Coming from a Place of Love

The other day, I was confronted with an interesting question from a white Young Adult Friend: in the context of our role in societal strife (ie racism), how do we tell our respected elders that they are wrong? I appreciated this question, because it puts words to a dilemna I've faced many times as a person of color living in a sea of white people.

My answer was (and still is) to share what a white mother with two adopted Black children in some other anti-racism workshop; I just remember that when my children confront me with my racism, they are coming from a place of love.

In my experience, it can be extremely hard to tell someone you really care about that they just said something insensitive. When I was little, it felt like a choice between "the adult is right" and "my feelings are hurt but I don't know why so I should just move on". When I became a (pre)teen, it was sometimes "that was a dumb thing to say, but I'm sure the adult didn't mean it so I won't ruin their day by telling them, and I'll get over it". I only remember standing up for myself if I got really mad. Anyone who knew me in 9th grade will remember the time a student teacher took over my English class and mixed up the names of all three Asian girls. And worse, when I finally did confront him after school, he said it was because none of us participated enough and so our faces didn't stand out to him. Did you hear that? That was the sound of my eyes rolling straight off my face.

Anyways, while my butthurt emotions will justifiably get in the way, I feel like I'm not really trying to tell my elders that they're wrong when confronting them with racism. I mean, technically yes, they may be saying or doing the wrong thing because it is offensive or systematically racist. But if I'm talking to people I am in family, friendship or community with, the point is not "you're wrong". The point is "hey, that was actually offensive, and I'd like to help you do better by pointing this out so you don't do/say it again." Underlying message: I care about you and want this relationship to grow healthily. 
It is worth noting that when I'm talking about offensive white people outside my beloved community, I will be much more obnoxious. I will probably roast them in my standup comedy routine (ask me about my first college experience sometime). We all have need outlets for our stress!

This lesson did take me many years to learn; see my introduction post for disclaimers on my background and identity. Other people of color, especially those who are not raised in predominantly white communities, may have very different experiences. For those who share my background and have also chosen not to abandon your white communities, I hope you found something useful or relatable. To my white readers, I hope you have gained some insight into the emotional labor of protecting white people's feelings. And I hope that when you see subtle racism in your community, I hope you now feel prepared to confront it without letting your anger get in your way. 


Questions? Thoughts? Reflections? Times that you've second-guessed a chance to kindly confront someone? I'd love to hear them!
-Anna